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THAT'S ME ALL OVER, MABLE 



BY 

LIEUT. EDWARD §TREETER 

27th (N. Y.) division 
Author of *'Dere Mable" 

WITH 25 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE BY 

CORP. G. WILLIAM BRECK 

(''Bill Breck'') 



27th (N. Y.) division 




NEW YORK 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 









Copyright, igiQ, by 
Frederick A. Stokes Company 



All Rights Resewed 



Publishet! Jan. 15, 1919 
First and Second Printings in advance of publication 



m. I8!3i9 
g)C!.A5l2076 



IJST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 



Bill . . Frontispiece 

FACING 
PAGE 

"We can fire all we want without hittin nothin " 2 

"I sit on a hill all day'' 4 

"A bunch lyin under the trees" .... 6 

"My, what an awful bore" 8 

"The fello with the long hair" .... 10 

"He thinks there so sad that he almost cries" , 12 

"They get awful fat, of course" .... 16 

"They come and get our dirty wash" ... 18 

"It aint as dangerous as I thought" ... 20 

'*Angus likes it cause he can sit down in it" . 22 

"If the top sargent dont remember" ... 24 

"She always carries a kid under her arm" . . 26 
"I dont eat nothin outside of meal hours exceptin 

a few pies" 30 

" I couldnt see a thing except the side of the hill " 32 

"He outran the other fello" 34 

"I sat next to a lady what didnt seem to have 

much on but a lot of jewels" .... 36 

"The minister has two daughters — both girls" . 38 

"They gave us coflFee in egg cups" ... 40 

"The first sargent wouldnt let me" . . . 42 

"The only thing they do to the rain is to strain it" 44 

vii 



FACING 
PAGE 



viii LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 

"I just found your pictur at the bottom of my 

barrack bag" 50 i 

"I dont seem to need as much food as I used to" . 56 

"Joe Loomis" 62 

"The tailor must have been a boiler maker once" 68 



"Thats Me All 
Over, Mable" 

Dere Mable: 

I take my pen in hand to tell you what do you 
think I done now? I left the infantry an gone 
back into the artillery. The Captin hated to let 
me go. He said the Artillery Colonel was a 
friend of his. I guess thats why he finally said 
all right. It wasnt that I was scared of the in- 
fantry. I guess you know that I aint scared of 
anything that walks on two legs except the mea- 
sles. The artillerys really more dangerous than 
the infantry cause you stand in one place so they 
can get a good line on you while in the infantry 
your running round all the time. 

Seein the Captin was so jealous of me I thought 
a fello with brains would have more chance over 
here. I tried to transfer as an officer but the 
Captin said I better go over as a private and as 
soon as they saw what kind of a fello I was theyd 
fix me all right. He seemed to wake up a little 



2 'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

when he saw I was goin. Im going to put in fhy 
applicashun for an officer as soon as I get a 
chance. 

I didnt go back to the same battery I was in 
before cause youll remember that the Captin and 
I didnt get along very well. Couldnt seem to 
agree on nothin. I thought it would be pleas- 
anter for me an him to if I went to another bat- 
tery. 

It almost seemed like they was waitin for me 
cause the day after I came over they hitched up 
the horses and drove the cannons out to the range. 
Its kind of hard to explain to a girl like you what 
a range is. The only way I can explain it is that 
it aint nothin like a range. There aint nothin 
here but mountins and we can fire all we want 
without hittin nothin but the mountins and once 
in a while maybe one of the mountin ears. But 
they say there so tough they dont mind it a bit. 
Thats a funny thing about artillery, Mable. The 
object seems to be not to hit nothin. The day 
we got out here I heard the Captin say *'Well Im 
glad were way out in a place like this where we 
don't run no danger of hittin nothin." All I said 
was "I like to see a fello careful Captin, but if 
thats all your worryin about you needent have 
taken so much trouble." The longer I know 
Captins the less I understand them. 



\ 



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aai BxccK 



'WE CAN FIRE ALL WE WANT WITHOUT HITTIN NOTHIN' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 3 

This Is the rainy season. The south is a won- 
derful country for wether cause everything is 
divided off so well. There is three seasons. The 
cold season, the hot season and the rainy season. 
Thats what makes the place so good. It would 
be awful tiresome if you was always freezin to 
death, or always soaked or always bakein. Now 
you get four months of each. It makes a change 
for a fello. 

Theyve put me on the speshul detail. The 
speshul detail, Mable, is a bunch of fellos what 
knows more than any one else in the camp. I 
sit on a hill all day with a little telephone in a 
lunch box and take messages. They got an awful 
system of sending messages in the artillery. Ill 
be sittin there thinkin of you an waitin for lunch 
and somebody says *'Hello" an I says "Hello" 
just like a regular fone. And then they say 
*'Heres a message from mmmmmmmm." Its 
always the same fello. I dont know who he is. 
And then they say *'Tell Captin mmmmmmmm 
to mmmmmmmmm at once. Please repeat." 
And then I repeat and whoever it is says '*No, 
No" and you dont here any more. I guess its 
some kind of a code they have. I dont believe 
the Captin is on to it cause you ought to have 
heard what he said the other day. I guess he 



4 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE'' 

was talkin about the fello on the other end. * I 
never heard your father do better. 

Its awful dangerous work cause where I sit 
aint more than half a mile from the shells. If 
they ever put a curve on one of them its good 
night Willie. I aint scared of course. I just 
menshuned it sos you wouldnt worry. Ill tell 
you more about the telefone the next time. I 
may know more about it myself then. 
Yours till they curve one 

Bill. 




'I SIT ON A HILL ALL DAY' 



Dere Mahle: 

Were still up at the artfllery range shootln. I 
dont know what at. Im beginnin to think nobody 
else does ether. Our guns is pointed right at 
some woods. Weve been shootin at those 
woods now for a week and havnt hit them 
yet. We always seem to go over them. Theres 
a fello stands behind the guns and yells things all 
day like it was a poker game. "U^p five, up ten." 
The whole thing seems like an awful waste of 
time to me. Im goin to suggest that we tie a 
couple of horses to a tree and shoot at them. 
The fellos would take more interest in there work 
if there was some reward. It wouldnt bother the 
horses much if we cant hit the woods I guess, eh 
Mable? They can use my horse. If Im willin 
to take a chance he ought to be. 

A fello told me the other day that these torpe- 
toes what we shoot cost as high as twenty dollars 
apiece. I dont believe that though or theyd be 
a law against it. I guess he was talking about the 
guns. Im going to take a couple of torpetoes 
back to camp and see how much the audience de- 

5 



6 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

partment will give me for them. -Thrifty. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

The mountin ears come over and watch us. I 
guess the moonshining business must be lax this 
time of year. A moonshiner makes whisky out 
of corn. Angus MacKenzie tried to make some 
by soaking a couple of ears in a bucket for almost 
a week. It didn't taste like much though an 
made us kind of sick. I guess you have to have 
a still like these fellos have. They call it a still, 
Mable, cause they have to use it on the quiet. 

The mountin ears are awful fierce with big 
adams apples and round hair cuts when they have 
any. They have family foods. I guess they got 
the idea from the movies, Mable. For instance 
the Turners live on the one side of the mountin 
and the Howards on the other. That makes 
them sore so they shoot each other. Accordin to 
the stories they only shoot each other when they 
are goin to church. From the looks of them I 
guess they made that rule to save amunishun. 

Angus an I went out last Sunday looking for 
a still. We thought we had one once and 
watched it most all day but it turned out to be 
just a little shack where they sell fig newtons 
and lemon pop to the fellos. You cant fool 
Angus. 

The more I see of the army, Mable, the more I 




"a bunch lyin' under the trees' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 7 

think Its an awful bluff. I heard a lot of talk 
when I first came up about a gun park. I thought 
it would be a nice place to go Sundays and have 
some fun. I asked the Captin if there was a lake 
where a fello could get a canoo and have a little 
paddle. He said no but they had a fine collecshun 
of animals. I didnt see nothin of no park when 
we came up. I spent a whole Sunday afternoon 
lookin for it. One day I asked the sargent where 
it was while we were unhltchln. He said we were 
in it then. It isnt nothin but a big field without 
a blade of grass or a tree and just the guns in 
the middle. I told him If he thought this was a 
park he ought to see Weewlllo Park home. I 
guess you ought to know, Mable, I paid your way 
in often enough. 

Its like those picturs you see stuck around Main 
Street about men wanted for the army. Theres 
always one fello playin tunes on a bugle, an a 
couple of fellos playin Old Maid on a table. An 
off in the corner theres always a bunch lyin under 
the trees like the High School tennis team having 
there pictur taken. Now that Isnt the kind of 
thing we do at all, Mable. If the top sargent 
ever found us like that hed swallo his whissle. 

I had a run In with the Captin last week, Mable. 
I cant seem to get along with Captins. High 
strung. Thats me all over. Every week we 



8 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE*' 

have an Inspecshun and I have to clean the whole 
gun myself. They send the whole bunch down 
but I guess its just to hand me things. Like 
nurses in an operation. It aint much fun I tell 
you. When the Major came around next day he 
opened the little door in the back of the gun and 
I guess he saw how many parts there was to keep 
clean cause he says "My, what an awful bore.'' 
The Major is all right, Mable. He likes a fello 
to have a little fun once in a while. I guess he 
aint never been a Captin. I says *'Yes, Major, 
it certainly is, an nobody knows it better than me 
cause I cleaned the whole thing myself." He 
says "Well if you dont do somethin about it next 
week then you wont have nobody to blame but 
yourself." 

I took the hint right off and when it came time 
to clean guns for the next inspecshun I got a horse 
and rode over to town and took a bath. I told 
the Captin afterwards what the Major had told 
me but I dont think he would care if General 
Perishing had asked me home to dinner. Its 
what he wants. To tell the truth I think he was 
sore cause I got a bath an he didnt. 

Thats a funny thing about the army. If 
theres a speck of dirt on the old guns or the horses 
everyone gets an awful ballin out. But if a fello 




"my. what an awful bore" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 9 

takes a little time to wash hisself youd think he 
done a crime. 

Well I got to quit now. Im goln on what 
Angus MacKenzie calls a still hunt. Thats a 
skotch joke. 

I think when the wars over 111 marry you an be 

a mountin ear. They dont seem to have nothin 

to do but stand round with there hands in there 

pockets and watch us work. Thats a nice life. 

yours till then 

Bill. 



Dere Mahle: 

Spring is come. The buds is stickin out on the 
trees. Pieces of tackslcabs is stickin up through 
the mud on the roads. Yesterday I caught a fly. 
It makes a fello feel romantic somehow or other. 
Some of em shines there shoes and rites home 
oftener. Some has even had there picturs taken. 
Max Glucos was so sure spring was here that he 
got usin the Sibly stove for a laundry bag. Then 
we had a cold night and Angus MacKenzie 
thought it was kindling. Max an Angus aint 
speakin now. Not that that matters much though 
cause they never said much when they did talk. 

It kind of makes me restless Mable when I 
think of you and Main St. and the fello with the 
long hair in Billings and Stover what used to make 
us up Sundays. An I get lonesome for Maple st. 
with you an me sittin at one end of the piazza 
pretendin we was listenin to your father readin 
the newspaper out loud. If I ever get old, 
Mable, dont let me read the newspaper out loud. 
An do you remember how still wed have to sit 
SOS the hammok wouldnt squak after eleven 
o'clock or your fatherd stick his head out the door 

10 




"the fello with the long hair" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" ii 

an say that if I didn't have a home you did? An 
how wed go canooing at Weewillo park Saturday 
nights and stay out till the fello that hired the 
boats out went to sleep. I was always a good 
spender. You know that, but thrifty. Thats me 
all over, Mable. 

I was comin back to camp the other night and 
• a guard stopped me and says "Who goes there?" 
an I says without thinkin "Me an Mable every 
Saturday night." Thats the way I am now. 

Max Glucos says poetry. Spring hits him that 
way. Some gets hay fever, some rash and others 
poetry. He says one thing that starts "In the 
spring a young mans fancy vests and socks come 
into view." He says a fello named Burns wrote 
it. Angus says Burns was a hot skotch. But 
I guess you wouldnt understand that. 

Were going to have a divishun show. Of 
course every body in the divishun isnt goin to be 
in it. A lot of them has to be detailed to watch 
it. They asked me what I could do and I said 
most anything but Id like to say a piece called 
Gungadien. Its a piece I came across in a book 
by a fello I never heard of so I didnt think any 
of the fellos would know it. They told me to 
report at the mess shack an theyd fix me up. 
When I went they told me I was electrician cause 
anybody could recite pieces but they had to have 



12 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE*' 

a fello with a bean on him to be electrician. 
They told me they was goin to hold me for an 
emergency. If the show went rotton an every- 
body got throwin things then theyd send me out. 

Fellos is funny, Mable. Most of em when you 
ask em say they cant do nothln. Then if they 
think they aint goin to be urged they say there 
rotton but theyll have a try at it. Then when 
they get down rehersin they get so pleased with 
themselves they dont want to quit an give nobody 
else a chance. Its part of the electricians job to 
get them away when they get through. One fello 
plays a ukaylaly and sings Howareyoun songs. 
He thinks there so sad that he almost cries every 
time. We think so too but it makes us mad 
instead. 

Thank your mother for the spring tonic she 
sent me. Its funny that a bottle of medicine was 
the first thing that ever came through the post 
office without bein in pieces. I cant say much for 
the taste. I guess thats why it got by the post 
office so well. Your mother rote me to take it 
regular cause it put iron in my blood. Angus 
says we got enough stuff to lug around now with- 
out ballisting our insides with iron. After he 
tasted it he said that if he had to have iron in 
his blood hed rather swallo a couple of nails and 



BiM BvccR 




"he thinks there so sad that he almost cries' 



' THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 13 

let them dissolve inside him than take them pre- 
digested. 

Dont send me no more nitted things, Mable. 
Its gettin hotter every day. Next winter well be 
in France. Its nice and warm there all the time. 
Besides Paris is a pretty fair sized town. I can 
run In any time and get what ever I want. Give 
my regards to your father. I hope his liver is 
workin again. I dont suppose he is by any 
chance. 

yours regardless 

Bill 



Dere Mahle: 

I got arrested for a week up at the artillery 
range. That aint a disgrace like bein arrested in 
the city though. Down here some of the nicest 
fellos does it. There aint no jale. I just live in 
a different tent. I guess they couldnt think of 
any place worse to live in than a tent. Im in 
with a good crowd. It makes a nice change from 
drillin. I got arrested for my watch bein slow. 
That shows how strict they are in the army. 

While we was firin at the range the other day I 
was sittin on a hill with the fone takin messages 
from another hill. I was thinkin of you an gcttin 
kind of dopy when some one says over the fone 
"This is the General." I says "How do you do 
sir." Curteus. Thats me all over, Mable. I 
guess he didnt here me though. He says 
"Were going to syncopate our watches." That 
was a new one on me Mable. I was goin to tell 
him that mine didnt need it. Its the one your 
father gave me an its been runnin in ragtime ever 
since I got it. 

Then he says "When I say check its ten fifty 
five (10.55)." I thought he was exceedin his 

14 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 15 

authority but I didnt say nothin an when he said 
check I just passed it over. He waited a minute 
and then he says ''When I say check its ten fifty 
seven (10.57)." It struck me that I might have 
worked that out myself but I didnt say nothin. 
Then he says after a minute. "When I say check 
its ten fifty nine ( 10.59) ." Then just to save him 
trouble I says "I got a watch myself sir. And as 
a matter of fact your five minutes fast." I guess 
I was slow. But as I say bein in arrest aint no 
disgrace like bein in the city. 

Im going to ask the Captin to let me off this 
telefone job. Whenever they dont know who to 
let out on they let out on the telefone man. What 
they want is a mind reader not a fello with brains. 
The other day the Captin says ''Lay this spool of 
wire up that hill." He handed me a thing that 
looked like a trolly cable and weighed about as 
much. Then he went home to read the paper till 
I came back and told him it was done. Thats the 
way with Captins. When I got it all done they 
go and say to the Major "I laid the wire up the 
hill." An the Major says "That was a good job, 
Captin. You must be tired. Have a cigar." 
But I never say nothin. Thats me all over, 
Mable. 

I took the wire like he said and laid it under a 
bush on top of the hill sos nobody could swipe it. 



i6 THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

When I came down I showed him where it was on 
a little pictur I drew him. An to here him talk 
youd think hed never asked me to take it up the 
hill at all. 

Yesterday we was firin into the middle of a 
field where there wasnt a livin thing to hit as far 
as I could see. If the Captin had to pay for these 
torpetoes I bet hed be more careful of them. He 
was awful excited though. He came up an gave 
me a lot of numbers to fone to his battery. He 
didn't say what to do with them an nothin hap- 
pened. That got him sore. It aways does. 
Captins thinks you ought to know what to do with- 
out tellin you. He started to take it out on me 
bein the nearest. He says "Get somethin off 
quick. Hurry up. Get somethin off quick." So 
just to humor him I took off my shirt as he hadnt 
specified. You cant do nothin right for a man 
like that though. 

Im learnin a lot about cannons an there habits. 
There like horses. When you first get them there 
wild. The Captin told me that every other bat- 
tery but his was awfully wild. He has trouble 
with his though cause the other day they telefoned 
up that theyed just broken one of his guns. I 
guess he likes em better wild cause he got awful 
sore. But you couldnt do anything right for the 
Captin. 



6in BrecK I 




THEY GET AWFUL FAT, OF COURSE" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 17 

You ought to see the Major, Mable. A major 
IS a fello that only comes round once a week. 
They get awful fat of course. Ours is taller in 
bed than he is standin up. I guess he is the kind 
of thing they have in mind when they say "not 
to be taken into the front line trenches." 

Im goin to send you one of the torpetoes they 
shoot out of the guns. There lyin all over the 
lot. As far as I can see there just as good as 
new. The Captin said not to touch any of em 
case they mightent have exploded and was liable 
to go off when you handled them. I asked them 
where they was goin to but he couldnt see a joke 
if you hit him with it. Im not takin no chances 
though Mable. I always carry a hammer and I 
pound each one of them good before I pick em up. 

Im beginning to think all this stuff about the 
mountin ears bein wild is a lot of fake. I been 
out with Angus MacKenzie three times huntin 
stills an the nearest thing we found to one was 
a fello what sold Bevo. An they dont seem to be 
very wild. They come round and get our dirty 
wash every day or two and the only wild thing 
is me when they bring it back. They all seem 
to be mixed up on the shavin regulashuns. They 
all shave there necks and let there wiskers grow. 

Well, Mable, pretty soon well be coming back 
from the range an goin into town again. I been 



i8 THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLF' 

away so long I bet William S. Hart has^rown 
a beard. When you rite I wish youd look up 
and see when lent is sos I could give up a little 
somethin. The way a fello loses track of national 
holidays down here is awful. 

Give my regards to your mother and as far as 
Im concerned to your father to. 

Yours till better times 

Bill. 




"they come and get our dirty wash" 



Dere Mahle: 

I aint arrested no more. Im back to work 
agaih. I aint worrying though cause if things 
keeps on the way there goin III be arrested again 
pretty soon. I know now why they call it arrest. 
No drill or nothin. All a fello has to do all day 
is go around with a pick and shovel and dig. 

Were still firin away at the range but we havnt 
hit it yet. If they keep firin amunishun around 
much longer they wont have nothin left to fire at 
the Germans but the guns. Eh Mable? Thats 
the kind of thing Im always sayin in line. Keeps 
the fellos from gettin depresed. 

I learned one thing about artillery. It aint as 
dangerous as I thought. They fire at what they 
call a target but it aint like any target I ever saw. 
It aint got circles round it or nothin. Every time 
they shoot they make a little dot on a piece of 
paper to show where the torpeto hit. The idea 
seems to be to hit all around the target but never 
to land one on top of it. If I was out there Id 
make a bee line for the target and sit tight till 
it was all over. Then someone says "The center 
of impact hit the target clean as a whissle." And 

19 



20 THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

they all seem awful pleased. From all Jve seen 
if the Germans will only land me on the head with 
a center of impact I wont feel Ive got any kick 
coming. 

I was out with Angus MacKenzie on a still hunt 
an an autymobile came along what belonged to a 
fello what had two sons in the army. I could tell 
cause it had a flag on the front with two stars 
on it. It stopped in front of us. The fello 
what owned it belonged to the cavalry cause he 
had a yello hat cord on. He leaned out and says 
**Dont you see that flag?" I says "yes, sir, I was 
just simpathizing with em." That kind of went 
home I guess cause he got red an says "You re- 
port this thing to your battery commander imme- 
deately." So when I got home I told him that a 
fello what owned a big car had two sons in the 
army. I had to call him out from mess to tell 
him an he says what the this that and the other 
did he care. If you do what your told you get 
in trouble and if you dont you do to. 

The Captins gone to Fort Silly now to learn 
somethin. I just told Angus MacKenzie I 
thought hed get more at Fort Levenworth. But 
thats a tecknickle joke, Mable. Of course you 
wont get it. I guess the Lieutenant thought he 
was in the audience department or somethin cause 
right away after the Captin left he came down and 



• V -/• 


• * * 
- - •■ * * . 

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■-^ i 





"it aint as dangerous as I thought" 



'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 21 

said now he was goln to make a battery out of 
us. I told him I knew where there was a good 
dry cell just above New York. That fello 
wouldnt laff though, Mable, if Joe Miller his- 
self told him a joke. All he thinks of is smoothin 
out horses. 

The feelin between me and the horses seems to 
grow worse every day, Mable. I think my horse 
has got me mixed up with somebody else. I 
never did nothin to him except bring him down 
some of my breakfast one morning. The sar- 
gent is always tellin me to pick up his feet. I tell 
him theres no call for that. He seems to be able 
to do it pretty well all by hisself. He has em in 
the air most of the time when Im around. 

He kept pesterin me though till the other day 
I thought Id show him I could do it. I put his 
front foot through the spokes of a wheel and 
tied it then grabbed the back one and gave an 
awful heave. Its a way Ive worked out for 
handlin bad horses. I figured hed have to be 
pretty good to stan on one leg and kick me with 
the other. But when he found he couldnt kick 
me he lay down on top of me. Mean, 111 tell the 
world. 

Now the stable sargent says I hurt the horse. 
Thats stable sargents all over. If the horse had 
bit my head off hed have thought it was an awful 



22 ' THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

joke. All I say is that Im not as strong ^s a 
horse even if I did win a lot of cups at high school 
an if I can stand on to legs a horse can to only 
hes to lazy. 

Max Glucos and Angus and me goes over to 
see the mountin ear what sells Bevo once in a 
while. Were tryin to catch him some day when 
hes wild. He aint been wild so far ceptin one 
day when we forgot to pay him. Angus says> 
they only get wild certain times of the year. 
Angus wont drink Bevo. He says it looks the 
same and tastes the same but it aint gpt the 
same influence with him. 

The mountin ears hate niggers. This one has 
been tryin to get us to go on what he calls a coon 
hunt ever since we been up here. Were goin 
with him this week. They hunt them at night. 
I suppose thats so you cant see them so well. He 
takes the dogs sos they can smell the coon. I 
guess the mountin ears got a cold. The coon 
climbs a tree, then you cut the tree down and then 
the coon of course has to come down to. I won- 
der what they do with them when they get them. 
It seems foolish to go to all that trouble when 
you can find a dozen of them in every little house 
you come to. 

Angus has got a rubber bath tub sent him. He 
thinks its great cause you can fold it so small it 



diii Bi-ecK 




"ANGUS LIKES IT CAUSE HE CAN SIT DOWN IN IT" 



THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 23 

goes In your pocket. Who wants to carry a bath 
tub In there pockets ? I guess Its a skotch custom. 
Perhaps they take it out while there waiting for 
a street car and take a bath. Angus likes It cause 
he can sit down In It. When he does It fits him 
like It was tailor made. All the rest of the bath 
slides off him onto the floor or into my shoes. 

Well Mable I got to quit now and help out one 
of the sargents what has a job cleanin some har- 
ness. Hes a nice fello and he asked me to come 
down about two hours ago. I guess 111 go down 
now and see if there through. Willin. Thats 
me all over. 

yours patrioticaly 

Bill. 



Dere Mahle: 

Its so foggy that we cant fire at the range. I 
dont see what difference that makes though. I 
havnt seen nothin since we started but a bunch of 
trees in front of the guns. Im goin to rite you 
a letter if the top sargent dont remember that 
he aint put me on no detail. We leave the guns 
out all night. Just sos well have somethin more 
to guard I guess. Were supposed to take turns 
guarding. As far as I can make out that means 
me and the rest of the battery altercate every 
other night. I suppose they think some of the 
mountin ears is goin to take one of the guns and 
go drivin with it. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch 
fello, says they have to guard em sos they wont 
go off. That sounds kind of silly to me though, 
Mable. 

I been raisin a mustash. That is I was till 
yesterday when I cut it off while I was shavin and 
thinkin of you. I was sorry cause it was comin 
good. You could see it as plain as day with the 
naked eye. (Thats just an expreshun, Mable.) 
In a couple of places I could catch hold of it. 
They say nothin grows very good down here, 

24 




'if the top SARGENT DONT REMEMBER' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE'* 25 

though, but cotton. I guess III wait until I get to 
France. 

The Lieutenant told us today that when we 
;^'ot over there wed all have to read meters. I 
cant see what thats got to do with artillery. That 
used to be Max Glucoses business though. Hes 
teaching me how. He thinks maybe if we study 
theyll make us meter spechulists. Spechulists 
dont have to get up so early. Angus says he 
thinks they put meters on the gas shells. That 
shows how systumatic they are. 

And they say there goin to give us Infield rifles. 
1 think they got it mixed up r/ith base ball. It 
seems as though when you join the artillery you 
join everything else at the same time. I suppose 
the next thing theyll do is learn us a little navi- 
gashun. 

Ive started savin again Mable for the little 
white house with the green blinds. Last month 
I saved a dollar eighty six ($1.86). That with 
five dollars ($5) I borrowed from Joe Loomis 
makes almost seven ($7) dollars. I aint the kind 
of a fello thats always bothering his girl with 
money matters. I believe in keepin business out of 
the home. Close. Thats me all over, Mable. 
But in the bigger things I think you ought to know 
how we stand. 

We may have to go at the house kind of 



26 ' THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

gradual. Buy the blinds first say. But theys one 
thing about it. Ive been ruffing it so long in the 
army that there aint no kind of hardship thatll 
bother me. 

The mountin ears has funny customs, Mable, 
and yello dogs without any stummucks. Angus 
an I was out ridin last Sunday lookin for a still an 
got cold. We stopped at a cabin an a fello came 
out with a round hair cut an says *'Howdy boys, 
wont ye light an strip ?'^ Angus says that he 
didnt have no figger for that but wed come in an 
get warm. Eh Mable? 

Once in a wHle when we cant eat what the 
cook gives us which is most of the time we go 
down the road to a mountin ears wife what makes 
pan cakes. She always carries a kid under her 
arm like an over coat. It looks as if the kids 
head was on the stove most of the time. Angus 
says she greases the griddle with it. I dont know 
about that, but the mountin ears is awful tough 
people. 

Me an some of the other fellos went to a 
mountin ears party in a little town near here the 
other night. There was a lot of girls there with 
funny noses. When they saw us they all ran in 
a corner and laffed at us. That made me kind 
of sore cause we hadnt invited ourselves but been 
ast. The lady that ast us said the girls had there 




'she always carries a kid under her arm" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 27 

old close on and was ready for anything. We 
played old maid till half past nine. Then the 
lady what ast us brought in a bowl of apples and 
our hats. She said the girls was all nice and they 
couldnt galyvant round all night and get talked 
about. 

The Lieutenant told us that in a couple of weeks 
the whole artillery brigade is comin up an there 
goin to have a garage fire. I told him if he knew 
about it so far ahead that there wasnt no excuse 
for such a thing. Though I should think that 
would be all a garage would be good for around 
here. You cant tell the Lieutenant nothin though 
since the Captin went to Fort Silly to learn some- 
thing and left him in charge of the battery. I 
think the authority has gone to his head. Angus 
says its gone where its least crowded. 

I read the other day, Mable, that there makin 
the cups rough on the bottom now so youll think 
theres sugar in them. They cant fool me though. 
Quick. Thats me all over. 

Dont feel you got to stop nittin me things just 
because I cant use them now. You cant tell when 
well have another winter. Besides it gives you 
somethin to think about when you sittin talkin. 
Im sending you a new piece on the phoney- 
graph that I got in the ten cent store. Its called 
"look out Germany, I am comin." It gives you 



28 'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

an idea of the way I feel. I got to stop now vi 
go an see some fellos in another battery. I just 
herd the top sargent blow his whissle. 
yours till I rite again 

Bill. 



Dere Mahle: 

I would have rote you before this only the 
fellos in my tent is too tite to buy any paper. It 
wouldnt take much, though, to tell you what I 
been doin. If I ever rote a book about my ad- 
ventures same as that fellow Empty what rote 
the book called "Over the top and go to Hell" 
it would run in competeshun with the Manual of 
Inferior Guard. Im gettin so I can only sleep 
four hours at a time. The only trouble is that 
it works the other way. When I do happen to 
miss a day not bein on guard I have to go to sleep 
after I work for two hours. Of course that inter- 
feres with the drill skedule, Mable, but you cant 
explain nothing to a top sargent. 

I overslept the other mornin. I didn't here the 
horn. I dont see how they expect a fello to here 
the horn if hes a sleep. If he herd it bed be 
awake. I got out before they started firin anyway. 
I had to go without breakfast to do it. I wasnt 
goin to complain about that, though. Soldierin 
every minit. Thats me all over, Mable. The 
Lieutenant got awful sore. I guess he was mad 
cause bed got up earher than he had to. He said 

29 



30 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE'^ 

he was goln to prefer charges and asked me 
what I had to say. I told him every man to his 
taste and if he was askin my opinion Id prefer to 
go back to bed. Awful excitable fello, the Lieu- 
tenant. 

I saw a letter on the tops desk yesterday about 
the meddles a fello can get now. Theys all kinds 
of different ones. Somes from Congress and 
somes from the Ward Apartment. Im goin to 
rite my congresman as soon as I finish this letter 
and get a bunch of them. Of course I wouldnt 
wear them till I do somethin pretty good but I 
figure out that itU take so long to get em over 
there that it would be better to get em now and 
take em over with me. 

Im goin to tell the congresman to that as far 
as Im concerned Id like to go to France as soon 
as I can. Its gettin nice and warm now for 
travelin. I want to see the Champs Eliza. 
Thats a street in Paris that was named after 
Queen Elizabeth. But thats history, Mable, I 
dont suppose you understand. They tell me its 
even better lookin than Broadway or Fortysecond 
(42nd) street. 

I saw in the Sarahcuse papers that they thought 
the artillery was goin there to expand. If I ex- 
pand any more, Mable, Im going to bust my belt. 
I dont know why it is. I dont eat nothin outside 




i &>U Brcc^ j 



I DONT EAT NOTHIN OUTSIDE OF MEAL HOURS EXCEPTIN A FEW PIES" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 31 

of meal hours exceptin a few pies and the like 
but I get fatter and fatter. I never think of eatin 
when Im not hungry like some fellos. A fello 
what does that is makin a pig out of hisself I 
think. 

Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, was out 
guardin the guns with me the other night. He 
went to sleep on an aunt hill. I guess the aunts 
thought he was a new mountin or somethin cause 
they was all standin on him the next mornin. To 
look at the sunrise I says, eh Mable? Angus 
didnt seem to care though. He says Napoleun 
had the same thing happen to him and was always 
tellin how an army traveled on his stummick, 
Nepoleun, Mable, is the fello that Washington 
licked. They named that three colored ice cream 
after him. 

All day long while were firin, Mable, a fello 
from Brigade headquarters stands near the guns 
and looks through a big glass with horns on it. 
I guess hes to lazy to hold it hisself so he brings 
out camera legs and puts them under it. He 
looks through the glass and seems to see a lot of 
numbers that he tells to a fello what stands be- 
side him. I dont see where he sees them. I 
looked through the glass the other day while he 
was eatin lunch and I couldnt see a thing except 
the side of the hill. Then he came back and 



32 ^THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE'^ 

looked through it and read off a string, of them. 
The fello beside him rites down everything he 
says. I looked over his shoulder the other day. 
It looked more like a Jewish curse to me than 
anything else. 

The Lieutenant came down the other day and 
told us to get all shined up cause the Sanitary in- 
spector was comin out to look us over. I thought 
hed be all dressed up in white with white tennis 
shoes like fancy bakers and sanitary barber shops. 
He wasnt though. He just had on a regular 
uniform. I didnt think he was speshully sanitary. 
It may have been sunburn though. I couldnt tell 
from where I stood. 

He had a fello with him they said was from 
the audience department. I know now why they 
call it the audience department. All they do is 
come round and watch us work. Thats a branch 
I didnt know about till after Id joined this. 

Well, Mable, I got to quit now and go and 
look at the Guard rooster to see if I answer sick 
call tomorrow mornin. They say the Germans 
is raisin the dickins. I wish theyd hurry up and 
get me over there. 

yours eternally, 
in haste 

Bill 




I COULDNT SEE A THING EXCEPT THE SIDE OF THE HILL" 



Dere Mahle: 

I thought Id rite you and let you know they 
wasnt nothing particular to say. Theyve called 
off the firin for a few days till they can get some 
more amunishun. If theyd only scatter a few 
Germans out there it wouldnt be such an awful 
waste. Ive fired so much now I guess I could fire 
anything. Tell your mother the first thing Im 
going to do when I get home is fire the cook. 
Same old card, eh Mable? 

Its nice and warm here now. We havnt used 
the Sibly stove for a week exceptin to keep our 
dirty wash in. An old nigger comes round once 
a week and takes it out. I cant figger that nigger 
out, Mable. From the looks of the wash he 
brings back he thinks I only got one leg and from 
the looks of the bill he hands me he thinks Im a 
sentapeed. Angus says hes not all there hisself. 
Thats why he loses so much. 

We had a boxing fight the other night. The 
Lieutenant says they increase the moral. I dont 
think they do the non corns no good though when 
they see the wallop some of the fellos in their 
squad has got. Joe Loomis has been talkin so 

^ 33 



34 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

much about how he could lick the whole divishun 
with one hand behind his back that we got him to 
go in. I put some money on him at his advice. 

I guess he made his mistake in not tyin his 
hand. Somebody told me he was fast. He was. 
He outran the other fello all the way. Angus 
says they ought to make speshul fighting rings 
with banked corners sos fighters could make better 
time. 

Joe thinks he won yet. He says if he hadnt 
slipped and fell out of the ring on his elbow hed 
have nocked that fellos head olfen his shoulders 
so hard it would have hurt somebody. Im glad 
I borrowed the money I bet on him. It might 
have been a total loss. 

Im going to ask the Lieutenant to make me 
a bugler, Mable, sos I can find where buglers go 
between meals. Nobody ever sees a bugler ex- 
cept at mess and on payday. Ive asked a lot of 
fellos but nobody knows what becomes of them. 
I wouldnt want to be a bugler all the time. Its 
two much strain on a fellos face. As soon as I 
find out where they go 111 transfer back as a 
fighter. 

I went into town the other night, Mable, and 
went to a dinner that me and a lot of other fellos 
was ast to. I sat next to a lady what didnt seem 
to have much on but a lot of jewels as far as I 




*'HE OUTRAN THE OTHER FELLO" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 35 

could see. Of course she was sittin at the table, 
Mable. I looked the other way all the time I 
was talkin to her cause I didnt want to embarass 
her. I was going to offer her my coat but I didnt 
see why I should take cold if she wanted to. 

We didnt talk much. Once she looked at me 
for a long time and then says "You know, Mr. 
Smith, every time I take a hot bath I feel very 
guilty." All I said was "Because youre not shar- 
ing it with somebody I suppose." Then we 
didnt talk much again. 

There was a lady across the table with turtle- 
hide eye glasses what was collectin things for the 
sufferin in the Palacestein. I asked her why she 
didnt put an add in the paper askin everybody to 
send in there old brown derbies. Nobody got it 
though. I was the only one at the whole table 
that a got a laugh out of it. 

Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello was there. 
He says he likes that kind of a party. He is 
always full of get up and go from the minute he 
gets there. 

I never saw so many dying relatives in my life 
as is comin by telegram every day. Have you 
got an epidermic or somethin up north, Mable? 
It seems as if everybody I know had been home 
at least once to help his grandmother die. None 
of em seem to care much for their relatives, 



36 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

though, from the way they act when there^ startin 
home to watch them pass away. I asked the 
Lieutenant for a furlo. He wouldnt give it to 
me. Got it in for me just like the Captin did. 
I wish youd telegraph him that you died quietly 
and couldnt I come up for the funeral *'on or 
about" the middle of the month. 

While we was firin at the range the other day a 
couple of fellos rode out by the targets lookin for 
shells. It was the first time wed seen anything 
worth while firin at. Everybody was right on 
there toes. I guess the Lieutenant didnt see em 
though cause he had us cease firin. Dopy. 
Thats the way he is all the time. I dont see how 
were ever going to learn nothin if we dont ceaze 
our opportunities. 

I dont guess theres any use in my askin you if 
your havin a good time. I dont see how you 
could be under the circumstances. Just make the 
best of it Mable and as soon as me and the rest 
of the fellos can get things straightened out III 
come back and paint the canoe again, 
until then 

yours faithfully 

Bill 




"l SAT NEXT TO A LADY WHAT DIDNT SEEM TO HAVE MUCH ON BUT 
A LOT OF jewels" 



Dere Mahle: 

I am bustin into socletle up here at the range. 
This needent make no difference between you and 
me though. There aint nothing stuck up about 
me but my hair. Thats all right so long as its 
good and wet. Last Sunday while I was takin 
a bath in a little town near here the minister ast 
me to dinner. Not while I was in the tub, of 
course, Mable. Just after. He ast Joe Loomis 
to. He had to really cause he was with me. 
Hes not a regular minister. Hes got a lot of 
money and pointed shoes an is down in the moun- 
tins for cronik azmuth. Awful highbrow, Mable. 
Dont know who Ring Lardner is and changes 
the needle after every record. 

The minister has two daughters, both girls, and 
a wife. One of the girls is good looking and 
the other is more like youd expect. I guess shes 
a pillo of the church. Joe was ast for her while 
I amused the good looker. Anybody but Joe 
could have seen that. Not him. He kept buttin 
in an makin an ass of hisself. 

We w^as ast for dinner at hapast one. Joe 
thought it would be politer not to run in an eat an 

37 



38 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

run out like it was a canteen so we went a little 
early. About noon. They played highbrow 
pieces on the phoneygraph. The kind that has 
only one tune on them an cost so much that every- 
body has to llssen. Joe dont know nothin about 
music of course. Right while K. Russo was havin 
an awful time he says if theyll speed it up he like 
to have a little dance. 

The minit we sat down to dinner Joe started 
tellin one of his stories about how he almost got 
killed one time. They was all waitin for him 
to shut up SOS the minister could say grace before 
the soup got all cold. Joe thought they were 
listenen to him. Thats somethin that aint ever 
happened to him before. He kept draggin it out 
and draggin It out. The only thing that finally 
stopped him was that he forgot the point. Then 
the minister put his nose in his soup and began 
sayin grace. Joe thought he was talkin to him 
and kept askin "Hows that and what say" all the 
time he was prayin. 

I aint never goln out with that fello no more. 
I guess thats safe cause he wont never be ast. 
All the time durin dinner he kept sayin, "My 
gawd I hate to make such a hog of myself." 
Then the minister would look like hed lost some 
money and my girl would giggle. The ministers 
wife passed him some stuff she said was real old 



a»U BvccK 




'THE MINISTER HAS TWO DAUGHTERS — BOTH GIRLS' 



' THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 39 

spider corn cake. Joe said he didnt care how 
old it was. Since hed been in the army hed got 
SOS he could eat anything. Then he thought a 
while an says he guessed it must have been a re- 
lief to the spiders to get rid of them. Nobody 
said nothin. Just to show his poyse Joe took his 
fork out of his mouth and speered four pieces of 
bread across the table. 

He was all for keepin the same plate through 
dinner and gettin up an helpin. Said he knew 
what it was like to be in the kitchen on Sunday. 
They forgot the coffee till dinner was over. They 
didn't like to waste it I guess bein war times so 
the ministers wife ast us if wed like to go into 
the drawin room an have it. Joe said he wasnt 
much at drawin but My gawd if he sat round 
makin a hog of hisself any longer theyd have to 
give it to him in a bed room. 

They gave us coffee in egg cups. Seein I 
wasnt payin for it I didnt guess it was my place 
to say nothin. Manners. Thats me all over, 
Mable. We got talkin about one thing and an- 
other. I was tellin them about the war and 
when it was goin to end. Joe was sittin on the 
sofa with the other daughter pickin the sole of 
his shoe. I felt sorry for him cause I knew hed 
be lookin at fotygraphs pretty soon if he didnt 
buck up. 



40 'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

The ministers wife asked me what I thought of 
wimmins sufrage. I said I thought It was a good 
thing but you couldnt tell. Thats the beauty of 
always keepin read up on these things. If you 
happen to get outside the army for a little while 
and meet some inteligent people you can talk on 
pretty near anything. Then she turned to Joe 
and ast how he felt. Joe jumped like somebody 
sprung out at him an says "A little sick to my 
stummick thanks but thatll be all right as soon as 
things set a bit." 

The good lookin one said she thought our offi- 
cers was awful cute. I guess she never seen our 
Lieutenant. She said she just couldnt resist them. 
I says, quick without thinkin it up *'0f course, its 
against the law to resist an officer." That got 
them all laffin an they forgot Joe for a little while. 

Both the daughters sang a duette. Joe says 
that was the best thing about it. They got 
through twice as quick. We got laffin so hard 
that I says I guess wed have to go sos to be in 
time for mess. Then Joe got awful polite and 
backed over a rubber plant an says "My gawd 
excuse me." He wont never be ast again. 

Ive been wonderin for a long time, Mable, why 
the audience officers all wear spurs. They dont 
ever ride a horse of course. I ast Angus 
MacKenzie, the skotch fello, the other day and 




'they gave us coffee in egg cups" 



^THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 41 

he says Its to keep there feet from slidin off the 
desk. Aint that a funny custom? 

I guess were goln to begin shootin again pretty 
soon. The Lieutenant says the artillery is goin 
to have a Brigade problem and the infantry is 
comin up from camp for it. I guess well all take 
a lot more interest in the shootin if theres some- 
thin worth while to fire at 

yours in spite of better things 

Bill. 

P.S. Joe Loomis just got a letter that smelt and 
what do you suppose, Mable? It was from the 
goodlookin daughter askin him to come over to 
dinner next Sunday all alone. I guess there not 
as high brow as I thought. 



Dere Mahle: 

Were back from shootin at the range. We 
ended up by firm at the Infantry. That was what 
they was talkin about when they said there was 
goin to be a garage fire. Thats the army all over, 
Mable. Tecknickle. The firin was a total fail- 
ure, Mable. We fired at the range for three 
months an never hit it. That aint surprisin 
cause I never see nothin except some trees in front 
of the guns and we always fired over those. 
When they finally got wise and put some infantry 
out there for us to fire at we missed them abso- 
lutely. Fired everythin in front of them. 

Dont say nothin about this cause it might get 
into the papers and cheer up the Kizer. Its all 
the Captins fait. I guess he thought he had an 
Aunty Air Kraft battery. That fello comes from 
Far Rockaway and he lives in the last house. 

The last mornin we fired the Lieutenant says I 
was battery agent. It seemed kind of silly to me 
to bother about sellin stuff while we was firin but 
thats the Lieutenant. He got away before I could 
ask him what I was to sell. I bought a lot of pop 
and crackers and stuff and tried to sell em to the 

42 



<a Mir>i 



aid BiecH 




THE FIRST SARGENT VVOULDNT LET ME' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 43 

fellos, while they was firin. The first sargent 
wouldnt let me. I told him I was battery agent 
but not him. That fello wont have to wear no 
steel helmut when he gets to France. I ate it all 
myself. 

If the Lieutenant is goin to keep me as battery 
agent now were back Im goin to ask him if I 
cant rig up a little office. I wouldnt be surprised 
if they had me up in Washington pretty soon. 
Lots of the fellos say they ought to send me some- 
where. Im ritin up to N. Y. where theres a place 
where they make sofa pillos with fellos goin over 
the top on em and gold rings with your girls name 
on em free for a dollar twenty ($1.20). 

The last week on the range we lived in pup 
tents. A pup tent Mable is like the roof of a 
dog house without the house. They call em pup 
tents cause no one but a very young dog would 
be fool enough to sleep under one. There made 
out of a couple of pieces of stuff like what you 
make porus nit underclothes out of. You button 
em together if theres any buttons. It dont make 
much difference as far as keepin the rain out is 
concerned. The only thing they do to the rain is 
to strain it. 

I guess these pup tents we got is an old issue 
what was wished on us by the Japaneze army. 
When an ordinary sized fello lies down in one 



44 THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

(and thats all you can do in em) hes out doors 
from the nees down. The Major came rt)und 
Sunday night. I guess he made a mistake and 
thought it was Saturday. Theres a rule that 
Majors only come round on Saturday cause they 
bother the men. The Major says "I guess well 
blow taps an hour early tonight cause the men is 
all in." An I says back right out loud "There 
aint anybody goin to get all in these things, you 
big overgrown boob," only he happened to be 
away down the street and didnt hear me. It didnt 
make no difference to me though. I said it any- 
way. High spirited. Thats me all over, Mable. 

Angos MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says that 
these is skotch pup tents. The skotch he says 
dont ever wear nothin below the nees. I guess 
Angus aint a pure skot though cause I heard him 
and Joe Loomis arguin this mornin cause Angus 
had swiped Joes horse blanket to wrap round his 
legs. 

It rained for three days before we left. You 
could have squoze water out of my pistol, Mable. 
They say a fello is two thirds water anyway. I 
bet I was 99 and ninety nine 100 per cent pure, 
eh Mable? 

Monday mornin we hiked back to camp. They 
got us up so early I thought they was blowin taps. 
The Lieutenant was awful sore. I guess a drop 




'the only thing they do to the rain is to strain it' 



THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 45 

of water came through his tent somewhere during 
the night and lit on him. He looks at me and 
says "As you were, Smith." All I says was "111 
never be again, Lieutenant." 

They made me a driver the last minit on the 
hike comin home. I guess there breakin me in 
to every place sos they can let the rest of the 
battery home on furlo and let me do all the work, 
from the looks of it. They showed me two 
horses hitched to the gun and told me they was 
mine. Right away I seen that the right hand 
horse was all hitched up and there wasnt nobody 
there to ride him. So when the sargent says he 
was all ready I says "No we aint. I aint goin 
till the fello what rides this horse is here. 
Theres enough favorites being played in the bat- 
tery now." 

That showed the Lieutenant where I stood. 
He said the fello what usually drove the horse 
was on speshul duty coilin up firin lines. When 
he put it that way I agreed to lead the right hand 
horse in to camp. Angus says they call the right 
hand horse the off horse because the fello what 
rides him is always off doin somethin else. He 
aint the only fello whats off round here though. 
I can tell you that, Mable. 

Theres a roomor around here that were going 
to Honey Lulu. Joe Loomis has sent for his 



46 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

Ukaylaly. Angus says hes orderin a grass cutter 
to take with him sos he can make hisself one of 
those grass suits over there. I guess the next 
time I rite It will be from there, 
yours tin then 

Bill. 



Dere Mahle: 

I guess I was born with a silver spoon In my 
mouth though up to now I thought Id swallowed 
it. I told you Id make you happy some day. 
Now Im going to. Im comin home on a furlo. 

I always wished theyd kristened me somethin 
besides Smith till now. Theres a fello named 
Patrick Smith what lives two tents down with a 
red nose and hair that hangs down under his hat. 
His mother rote the Captin an said she was dyin. 
She said she didnt expect to live more than forty- 
eight (48) hours or however long it took for her 
son to get home. 

The Captin thought it was me. He called me 
up an says ''Smith your mother is sinkin rapidly." 
I couldnt believe that though cause she woudnt 
never go near any place where they was water. 
Then he read me the letter. I knew right away it 
was Patrick Smith's mother cause he was figurin 
last week on the most likely one to kill off sos he 
could get home. 

I never let on though. Quick. Thats me all 
over, Mable. I says ''Gee, thats to bad" like I 
was all broke up. And then I said "Shes the 

47 



48 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

only mother I ever had Captin." I said it so 
sad that I almost got myself cryin. An the Cap- 
tin says "Well Smith, you been workin pretty 
hard an need a change. Ill give you a ten day 
furlo to go home to the funeral." Nice fello 
the Captin when you get to know him. 

Im comin up Mable just as soon as I can bor- 
row enough close and the like. It seemed to me 
when I used to lay out my stuff for inspeckshun 
Saturday mornins that I had enough junk to equip 
the draft army. I just been lookin over my stuff 
to find somethin to wear home. It makes a fello 
feel half nakid. 

Im going to borrow the money to buy my rail- 
road ticket so you see the trip aint going to cost 
me a cent. I bet youll be glad to have someone 
round who aint skared to change a quarter once 
in a while. 

Its kind of hard to get a suitcase. Theres 
only one in the battery. The fello what owns it 
says its made the trip north 25 times. From the 
looks of it hes modest. Else the last fello tied 
I'r to the end of the train and let it drag all the 
way. I guess I can fix it with rope though. 

Then Joe Loomis has a uniform that he paid 
fifteen dollars ($15) for. It looks like an offi- 
cers unless you wear it in the rain. Joes in the 
guard house so Im going to take it an not say 



THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 49 

nothin. I guess Joe'd do the same for a pal. 
Besides he aint got no kick comin cause theres a 
rule that we cant speak to prisoners. 

Joe got put In the guard house for burnin down 
the stable tent where they keep the horses serial. 
He was sittin In the stable tent while he was on 
stable guard catchin a smoke. Stable guard is 
a kind of night bell hop and chamber maid to the 
horses. He heard the Officer of the Day comin 
and stuck his cigaret but in an oat bag. Then the 
whole thing burnt down. Angus MacKenzie says 
thats what he gets for hidin his light under a 
bushel Thats a skotch joke though. I guess 
you wouldnt get it. 

Angus is lendin me a pair of spiral puttys. A 
spiral putty is a flannel bandage what you wind 
round your leg sos nobody cant see that the but- 
tons is often your trouser legs. The fello what 
made em must have had queer legs cause when 
you get to the top there aint no place to fasten 
them. I guess they were built for fellos that was 
goin to stand still. As soon as you move they 
unwind and drag in the dust till a horse steps on 
one of them. Then you do em up again. 

I started savin thrift stamps. I got pretty near 
two books full. Angus says its got it all over 
United Segar cupons. When you get enough you 
^et some dandy things. I wrote the premium de- 



50 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

partment at Wash. D. C. for one of their catalogs. 
I want to get a mandolin as soon as I get encfUgh. 
Joe Loomis is savin for a Ukaylaly. I hope it 
takes more stamps than he can ever save. 

Were getting some new draft men now. Be- 
tween you an me there an awful dum bunch. 
They dont know the difference between squads 
right and fall in. I dont see how fellos can live 
as long as they have an not know these simple 
things. 

A few of them is Jewish fellos from New York. 
All they think about is how they can get some post 
cards of the camp and sell em to the fellos. A 
couple of them sold there equipment the minit 
they was issued it. Angus says one of them was 
on guard the other night and a fello came a long. 
He stopped him and says "Halt, whose there?" 
an the fellow says "Friend." An he says "Advance, 
friend, an give the discount." Youd hardly be- 
lieve that, Mable. But bein a girl I suppose you 
would, not knowin nothin about the military. 

So I aint goin to rite you no more cause theres 
no sense ridin up on the train with my own letters. 
I got a lower bunk all hired. Im goin to have 
it made up before we leave the station an I aint 
goin to get up till we pull into Philopolis. If the 
fello in the upper bunk aint got sense enough to 
stay in bed he can sit on the edge of the bunk and 




'l JUST FOUND YOUR PICTUR AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BARRACK BAG 



^THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 51 

whissle for all I care. An the lord help the 
porter if he calls me cause he aint no first sargent 
an Id just as soon tell him so. Frank. Thats 
me all over, Mable. 

I suppose your father and mother will be 
tickled to see me. Theyll think Im comin home 
to marry you. I guess you know I would if I 
had time. Besides I dont believe in gettin mar- 
ried before the war cause like as not 111 be killed. 
I dont want you to worry though or nothin like 
that. Youd be in a nice mess then though with 
your fathers liver on your hands an no visibul 
means of support. 

I got to stop now an borrow some money to 
come home on. I think Pat Smiths got some. 
Hed be awful sore if he knew I was goin home on 
his furlo. 

I just found your pictur at the bottom of my 
barrack bag. It gave me an awful shock first. 
Then I remembered that my hob-nailed shoes had 
been sittin on it. I wouldnt care though even if 
you did look like that. Sense before beauty. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

yours till I see you 

Bill, 



Dere Mable: 

This Is the last time 111 take my pen In hand 
to rite for some time. I aint allowed to tell you 
why. 

This letters got to be awful short cause I aInt 
allowed to say nothln. Theres so many spize 
round llstenin that I aInt even allowed to tell you 

that we got our orders an were goln to F e. 

Were goln to fight the G s. 

I aInt even allowed to tell you how were goln 
except that Its by boat. Even thats awful con- 
fidenshul. If the spIze heard about It theyd prob- 
ably blow up all the boats sos to make sure of 
gettin the right one. 

Angus says the top sargents got orders to take 
us right Into the front line trenches. I guess 
there goin to try an finish this thing up right 
away. I guess 111 probably get killed pretty 
quick. Ill feel a lot better If I know your not 
worryin an thinkin of me lyin mortaly wounded In 
a shell hole as I probably shall be. 

An so now I cant come home on my furlo, 
Mable. I knew the Captin had a string tied to it 
somewhere. If theres any way of gettin into 

52 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 53 

heaven that fello will slip through or Im mis- 
taken. Of course I wanted to see you but on the 
other hand I saved a lot of money. Just as soon 
as I get mortally wounded Im going to rite a 
book about my sensashuns an then come back an 
lecture about it. I guess I wont be gone long. 
Well, Mable, there finally wakin up to them- 
selves. I guess the war wont last much longer 
now. Or me either, eh Mable? Some day when 
one of those big G n shells lands on my nap- 
sack 111 be able to really rite you an say "Thats 
me all over, Mable." Please dont worry about 
me. 

Yours till you here the worst 

Bill. 



Dere Mahle: 

I take up my pen to rite you. From the way 
I feel I dont think 111 be takin things up much 
longer. Im on a boat now. They say we are 
goin to France but we been goin two days now and 
I aint seen no land yet. Joe Loomis thinks that 
theres German proper gander in it. He says that 
they got us out here and there goin to keep us 
goin round and round till the wars over. 

It seems kind of silly to rite you cause I cant 
mail this till I get to France. It wont be no use 
then cause by the looks of things now 111 probably 
be flirting with a couple of mermaids in Davy 
Jones Lock Up long before that. Thats a 
naughty call joke though, Mable. You wouldnt 
understand it. 

As far as I can find out there sending the whole 
army over on this ship. Most of them sleeps in 
the room with me from the noise. They got it 
fixed- up cozy like an opium den or a morgue. 
There piled up three high and the only thing that 
stops them there is the roof. 

Were on a German boat. I bet it makes them 
sore Mable to see one of there own boats bringin 

54 



'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 55 

over fellos like me. The Germans is peculiar 
people. They got sines all over the boat. On 
some of the doors upstairs they got Herren 
painted. Youd never catch an American boat 
carryin fish right on the passenger floor. On 
some of the other doors they got sines what says 
Bad. I guess they run out of these before they 
came to the place where I sleep. It dont seem 
reasonable to let fish have a room with mahogo- 
huny doors and a fello with two legs sleepin where 
I do. Some of the rooms has Damen rote on 
them. Joe Loomis what lives on the canvas 
above me says thats the only German he ever 
agreed with. 

I aint been really sick yet. I aint give up hopes 
though. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, got 
so worried because he felt all right that he went 
up to see the doctor this mornin. 

I cant rite much cause the Captin told us the 
centsor would read our letters. I dont know who 
he is. I guess hes a German. Of course hell 
read em if we dont seal em. 

I guess well get blown up before we go much 
further. I dont want you to worry though. I 
just menshun it. You got enough on your hands 
with your father in bed with his liver again and 
me not around to cheer you up. 

Yours to the last bubble Bill, 



Dere Mahle: 

Were all balled up. There aint no doubt now 
that its German Proper Gander workin. We 
been runnin three days now and no sign of land 
yet. I wouldnt be surprised if we woke up some 
mornin in Chickawgo or some other place on the 
Specific coast. I aint sick yet. I dont seem to 
need as much food as I used to, though. 

Im gettin on to this naughty call stuff fast. 
Quick. Thats me all over, Mable. Theres a 
few things about the boat though that I dont know 
yet. For instance they got pipes comin out of 
the deck all over like Sibly stoves upside down. 
I thought they was for rubbish. I was just re- 
markin to Joe Loomis how neat they was to have 
such things. We was makin a point of pickin 
up everything we saw and firin it down them. 
Then one of the ships officers came along and 
you'd ought to have herd him. Youd have 
thought we was tryin to blow up the old tug, in- 
stead of keepin it clean for him. He said the 
funnels was for carryin fresh air to the mens 
quarters. I says I guessed the one that carried 

56 




'l DONT SEEM TO NEED AS MUCH FOOD AS I USED TO 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 57 

air down to our quarters got clogged before we 
started. 

They close all the windows every night. Angus 
MacKenzie, the sketch fello, says that sos the 
Germans wont fire torpetoes through the windows 
and land on our beds. Thats a jokin way he has 
of speakin of the pieces of canvas we sleep on. 

Were havin a race with another boat. Its 
awful close. We been racin now ever since we 
started and neither of us has gained yet. I here 
the engineers has a bet of five dollars on who 
gets in first. I dont know who can be on the 
other boat cause we got the whole army on ours. 

Well, Mable, I got to quit now cause were 
liable to be sub-marined and blown to pieces any 
minit. I want to get this off before we sink. 

Dont worry about me. 

Yours till I touch bottom 

Bill. 



MARCONIGRAM 

WORL-D WIDE WIREUESS 




MARCONI TELEGRAPH - CABLE CO Inc. 

IN CONNECTION WITH 

MARCONI WIRELESS TELEGRAPH COMPANY 
OF AMERICA 

Received at Philopolis 



Dere Mable 

Rot feelin well today so am sendin 
this instead of ritin. Aint seasick. Just 
somethin the matter with my sturanick, Angus 
MacKenzie, sketch fello says thats me all 
over, Mable* I says its all over with me. 
Bright and funny to the last. Eh, Wable. 
Guess we'll all be sunk soon now, Itll be 
a change to have somethin goin down. I 
cant say any more cause this is costin me 
1 dollar (Si) a word. Wouldnt have said 
this much but I borrowed the money from Joe 
Loomis. Hed have spent it for somethin 
foolish anyhow. 

Yours through all ups and downs 
Bill 



Dere Mahle: 

No land yet. If wed been goin In a straight 
line wed have passed N. Y. twice by this time, I 
suppose theyll keep us goin round in circles like 
this till the wars over. Joe Loomis says its three 
thousand (3000) miles across. Thats silly 
though. It aint as far as that from N. Y. to 
Chickawgo. 

My room Is way down stairs in the sub cellar. 
All there is between me and the bottom of the 
sea is the floor. If theyd. stuck me down any 
further it wouldnt have been such a long drop at 
that. Each fello has a little blue padded straight 
Jacket to wear while hes sinkln. There awful 
heavy. I guess there to keep us warm while were 
drownin. Joe Loomis says there to pull us down 
quick SOS we dont suffer. The Captin says to- 
day that when we sink all men gets into rowboats 
and the officers hang on to rafts. Theres some- 
thin wrong somewhere. I been lookin over the 
rowboats to see whats the matter with them. 

They got a lot of skotch fellos on board. I 
dont know where they came from. Joe Loomis 
says they aint pure cause they dont wear ribbons 

59 



6o ' THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

on their bonnets and do wear pants. But he 
aint got no call to talk about pure skots. 

We all got issued tin hats before we left. I 
guess theyll give us sheet iron underdose next. 
It takes a long time to wear a tin hat without 
hurtin yourself. If you move quick it slides down 
over your eyes and bursts you in the nose. Thats 
why they charge in a walk I guess. They got 
muskito nettin inside sos it wont hurt your head. 
If you take that out it makes a good wash basin 
or a mess kit. Joe Loomis and Angus got arguin 
yesterday, Joe claimin that they was no good and 
Angus claimin that you couldnt hurt a guy what 
had one on. Angus got so sore he bet a quarter. 
To decide it Joe put on his hat and let Angus hit 
him on the bean with a piece of lead pipe. Joe 
always was lucky. He won the quarter and now 
hes livin on A deck where the hospital is. An the 
Dr. says he aint got a chance of dyin which is 
more than most of us can say. I guess theyll 
sink us today. I got to quit now. 

Yours till the third time down, 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

Were in the same place we was yesterday. Id 
know it now with my eyes shut. It looks like we 
was movin but Joe Loomis says thats just the 
water goin past the boats. A fello told me we 
was in the Gulf stream. If we are its some creek 
cause you cant see no banks. 

We been on four days now. Im beginnin to 
feel like the Ainshunt Mourner. We lie round on 
the floor of one of the lower piazzas all day and 
read books from the library. Most of them is 
about the lives of fellos whats dead. That aint 
right for a bunch what expects to be with em any 
minit. 

Once a day we go up on one of the upper piaz- 
zas to exercise. A fello might as well try to 
swing indiun clubs on the five o'clock subway. 
The only exercise you can do without knockin off 
the head of the fello next to you is eyes right and 
eyes left. 

The Captin is always talkin about goin below. 
Seein how we all may any minit, it aint no time for 
jokin about it. He says to me yesterday "Smith, 
fix me up a list of spaces for all my men down 

6i 



62 'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

below." Aint that the Captin all over, ^able? 
He wont be satisfied till he has em all tagged and 
numbered and doing squads east and west in Davy- 
Jones Lock Up. 

Joe Loomis has his girls pictur pasted on the 
back of his tin lookin glass. He lies on his bunk 
all day gapin at it. Some fellos make awful asses 
of themselves about there girls. Angus Mac- 
Kenzie, the skotch fello, had the mirror shavin the 
other day. It swung round while he wasnt lookin 
and when he looked in it again he got an awful 
start. 

They havnt sunk us yet. I guess there just 
foolin with us. Perhaps it will happen today. 
Dont worry though. 

Yours till you here otherwise 

Bill. 




"joe loomis" 



Dere Mahle: 

I feel the same way the Knights of Columbus 
must have felt when they was discoverin North 
America. Just sallin round In circles and wishin 
they had never left N. Y. Were goln through an 
awful bumpy part of the ocean now. Joe Loomis 
says theres a lot of traffic through here and these 
big boats cuts It all up. Thats how Ignorant that 
fello IS, Mable. Its gettin colder all the time to. 
I wouldnt be surprised If we had got turned north 
by mistake and would land up In Labordoor or 
somethln. 

One of the boat officers Is called the Execu- 
tioner Officer. Every day most he comes round 
and says Its half an hour earlier than It Is. Thats 
the way those fellos use there awthorlty. No- 
body dasnt contradict them. I guess thats the 
way these boats make records so often, Mable. 
When they see they aint goln to make a record 
they just shove the clock back. Id go over In 
nothin If I was the Captin and get It over with 
quick. I wish I could have made contracks like 
that when I was home. If a fello came to me 
and says **Your contrack Is up today" Id just look 

" 63 



64 THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

at him and say "You must be mistaken. This is 
yesterday." Joe Loomis has it figured out that 
if we keep on losing time well get there last winter. 

Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says theres 
no danger in that though, cause if they ever find 
themselves workin back towards last pay day 
theyll go ahead for a while. 

Angus says that every time they set us back half 
an hour the government skins every man out of 
pretty near a nickul. It aint the money, Mable. 
A nickul never meant nothin to me one way or 
the other as you ought to know better than any 
one. Isnt it a cheap way to Whoverize though? 

Joe says that if it keeps on bein as cold as this 
he aint goin to get off when they sink us. He 
says he rather stay down in the bedrooms and be 
drowned than get all wet with that ice water and 
then have a cold for the rest of the war. 

Well, Mable, I got to quit now. A fighter needs 
a lot of sleep. 

Yours till the war ends 

Bill. 



T>ere Mahler 

Somebodys rockin the boat. Its been rollin 
round somethin awful all mornln. Theres always 
some fool like that in every crowd. I aint said 
nothin but me and Angus MacKenzie, the skotch 
fello, is watchin. When we catch him you bet 
well give him whats what. 

While we was snoopin round we just discovered 
somethin awful. All the life rafts what the 
officers ride on when we sink is full of holes. The 
water would come right through. As soon as we 
find the fello whats rockin the boat were goin 
to tell the Captin. Angus says perhaps hell make 
us officers or let us sleep late or somethin. A 
fello told me they threw these rafts over the side 
when the ship was sinkin. As far as I can see if 
a fello is lucky enough to get off the old tub they 
fling one of these on his bean. Im going to wear 
my tin hat you bet. 

They got a bunch of ropes hangin with knots on 
them along the sides from the top floor down to 
the water. A fello told me they was to climb 
down when all the rowboats was gone. Some 
fellos is in an awful hurry to get drowned. If 

65 



66 THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

there bound to crown me with a seaweed wreath 
Im goin to keep em waitin as long as I can. The 
fello what hung em must have had arms like a 
munkey cause there hangin about six feet from 
the side. 

These Germans must have been awful tanks, 
Mable. They got one whole floor they call 
saloon deck. Of course the saloons is gone now. 
When they made the ship over they had to get 
rid of all the luxuries to make room. They got 
the bars out of the saloons and the oflicers eat 
there. 

A fello came down stairs the other night and 
told us about the war. He said we was all comin 
over to fight to make the world safe for the 
Democrats. If thats the case Mable your father 
must be an ailin enemy. 

Well, Mable, they tell us that if we aint sunk 
pretty soon were goin to get there. I guess then 
I Wont be able to rite you for a few days cause 
itll take me a little while to get settled in the 
trenches and get my dug out fixed up nice. I 
hope they give us a part of the line near the sta- 
tion cause I dont like those troop trains. 
Yours till I write again 

^ Bill. 



Dere Mahle: 

I thought the fishes would be buUdin nests in 
my ears long before I rote this. What do you 
suppose has happened? I wont ever be able to 
look you in the face again. Were right near land 
and aint so much as seen a Perryskdpe. An here 
I been runnin round in my Drownin Jacket for 
seven days like a fello wearin his shroud down 
to his office a week before he dies. I hope you 
aint bragged too much about it or theyll have the 
laugh on you. I feel kind of cheap but you really 
cant blame me. I took these other fellos word 

for it. 

I aint the only goat thats been wearm my 
Drowning Jacket round though. They all had to 
and most of them slept in them. The tailor what 
designed these must have been a boiler maker 
once. If there vests there too short an if there 
coats where is the sleeves? They got a hump 
runnin down the backbone. I know now how a 
horse feels when he tries to roll over. Besides 
the Jackets, they made us carry round a tin bottle 
of water on a string all the time. I suppose if 

67 



68 THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

there was not enough water to drown us all we 
could empty out these. 

Were just a few miles off shore, but I cant tell 
you just where. This is partly because I dont 
know. Joe Loomis says were comin into London, 
but Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says it 
aint London. He thinks its Paris. I dont think 
so though cause if it was youd see the Ethel 
Tower. 

You want to be careful when you address let- 
ters to me. If you address me too plain there 
liable to get to me and you cant tell who might 
be lookin. About all you can say on the address 
as far as I can find out is Bill Smith, A. E. P., 
which means Am Expecting Flowers. 

I got to quit now cause were gettin near shore 
and the Sanitary Officer ast me to help him sweep 
out the boat when the other fellos is gone. Of 
course I said I would. Obligin. Thats me all 
over, Mable. As soon as I get ashore Im going 
to buy one of them John Brown belts you here so 
much about. I dont know when 111 be able to 
write to you again cause I understand theres a bat- 
tle on now so I guess 111 be pretty busy for some 
time to come. 

Yours till I rite again. 

Bill. 




'THE TAILOR MUST HAVE BEEN A BOILER MAKER ONCE" 



MABLE TO BILL 

Dearest William: 

Your letter received and contents noted. 
Through Spiritual Channels you have been with 
me ever since the momentous day we parted, and 
all I can say is, "May God in His infinite mercy 
watch over and take care of you, until you have 
been delivered safely into my arms." 
Ever Thine, 

Mahle. 

P.S.— Bill: 

Am going round with a new swell John and he 
writ this fer me. ItU make the fellos think Im 
a swell dame when you show it to them. Tear off 
this p. s. part. What's the matter, are you broke? 
You dont put no more stamps on your letters. 
Rite again. 

Yours as long as you stay away, 

Mable. 



69 



DERE MABLE 

LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 

By Lieut. EDW^ARD STREETER 

The best selling book of 1918, 550,000 in 8 months. 
For genuine humor nothing written in recent years sur- 
passes these letters from a "simple soldier" to his best 
girl Read them— and live with the rookie through all his 
perplexities, through all his amusements^ through all his 
work, live with him and laugh with him — and at him! 

With 35 illustrations by Corp. "BILL" BRECK 

Boards, 12mo, net 75c 



The Navy "Dere Mable" 

BILTMORE OSWALD 

The Diary of a Hapless Recruit 

By J. THORNE SMITH, Jr., C.B.M., U.S.N.R.F. 

This book does for the Navy fiedghng what DERE 
MABLE does for the rookie of the Army. It is the vera- 
cious record of the haps and mishaps of a verdant land- 
lubber plunged into a whirl of unfamiliar duties at Pelham 
Bay, as told by a recruit who has been through the mill. 
His experience are one long riot of laughter— -no one with 
a son or a brother or a sweetheart in the Service will want 
to miss it and no one who is a recruit himself can afford to 
miss it. 

With 31 illustrations by Dick Dorgan, U. S. N. R. F. 

Boards, 12mo, unifomi with DERE MABLE, net 75c. 

Publishers FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY New York 



READ AND LAUGH! 



ob 



msL 

Love Letters of a 

By E.STREETER 




&«U Ei>«cR 



Written and illustrated by two men of the 27th 
Division while at Camp Wadsworth 

15TH PRINTING, COMPLETING 550,000 



One Long Riot of Laughter 



p/^ 



, — >AyjJ ^^ n r 



DlARJt^ 



HAPLESS 

rvEcnuiT 

THORNE Smith 




Written and illustrated by two men of the U. S. 
Naval Reserve Force at the Pelham Bay Training 
Station. 




** 'Do you enlist for foreign service ?* he snapped. 
*Sure,' I replied, *it will all be foreign to me.' ** 
(II lustration Jrem **Btitmore Osnxjald. **) 



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Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
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A WORLD LEADER IN PAPER PRESERVATION 



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